It’s been six months since doing Ayahuasca at Rythmia Costa Rica and my world has been rocked!
What brought me originally to Rythmia was to cough-up a big nasty hairball of a dark and painful past. My hopes were that I could clear my path forward by answering some of life’s simplest, yet most difficult questions such as: “Who am I? Why am I here? And, who shit in my pants?”
I came close to death on several occasions in my life, mainly due to alcohol and drug induced behaviour that lead to several Nascar-worthy car crashes, some epically stupid ideas, and many mindless stunts that somehow, I managed to survive. One weird near-death experience was from being bitten on a remote Thai island by one of the most poisonous snakes on the planet. To get me off the island to a hospital on a Sunday at 5:30 am in 90 to 120 minutes before my brain exploded (side effect), was nothing less than a James Bond chase scene. If anyone is curious, I made it.
Another epic near-death experience where I ended up in the emergency ward was from doing too much cocaine, which collapsed my lung and sent my heart in a spasm. That one I’m not too proud of.
If you like high-speed car crashes, then this one is for you: At 140kms an hour my Audi GT slid off a country road and took out a 100ft of farmers fence while doing six barrel rolls. I crawled from the wreckage of what was once my shiny brand-new sports car to what basically looked like a stepped-on smoldering pop can. I walked from that one too.
My life as a young man, and immature adult, was basically falling off of motorcycles, jumping out of burning cars and swinging from vine to vine looking for Jane and her girlfriends.
Not until I was on my knees, naked, and in tears in complete surrender that I gave up fighting myself. I remember that very moment in my living room with a bottle of wine in my hand, (a delicious Burgundy), a rolled up $100 bill in my other hand, looking up to the mystical heavens with tears in my eyes begging for God to help me… “please send me an angel to save me” I cried, then I passed out. (The angel did come true, but that’s another story:)
This is where my journey to “find-myself” started.
After that low point of hitting the dirt once too many times, I decided I needed help and went for therapy and counselling. I wore holes in the couches of my psychiatrist and psychologist, I went to palm readers, energy workers and some spooky fortune tellers. I read tons of books, sang the bible for a while, did hypnosis, then went to India, Thailand, Nepal and Bali and joined a Monastery and an Ashram. I prayed with swamis and monks, climbed the Himalayas, studied yoga, and even stopped talking for a while on several occasions, including meditating in silence for ten days straight.
During that period, I had was fortunate enough to see death up close by watching a body being burned on the banks of the Ganges River in Rishikesh India, and again while living in a Buddhist Monastery in Thailand, both to observe and contemplate the temporal nature of life, especially my own. Looking at a pale corpse with no-make up in plain sight from a few feet away is a reminder we shouldn’t waste our life watching TV, but the real lesson from the Buddhists is that we have to die before we can awaken; meaning our ego has to die. As the Buddha proclaimed under the Bodhi tree, “I am awake”, which was his acknowledgment that it was his end-of-suffering.
Watching a body being cremated up close painfully showed me my lack of respect for myself and my oblivious disregard for my life, but that didn’t solve my mystery or problems; it just showed me I was on the long road of broken glass in bare feet with no happiness in sight. None of those life experiences above WOKE me up or moved me to a deeper state long enough to look into “myself”and find out why I was so fucked-up and dissatisfied with life. Eastern wisdom traditions teach that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. I just didn’t — couldn’t figure out the difference.
Then I did Ayahuasca. (read here)
At first, nothing noticeably really changed in my life immediately after my Ayahuasca experience at Rythmia. I mean I didn’t want to become an astronaut or billionaire, or some big important person or do anything especially mind-blowing to get attention. Actually, the effect was somewhat the reverse.
I ‘ve already had success in my life despite my behavior and style, but after my experience with Ayahuasca, I was slowly “letting- go”. Yup, the download I got during my Ayahuasca trip was just to let-go of everything; stop fighting, stop resisting, stop trying to hang on and control things in my life, and especially- stop being the victim of my emotions and thoughts!
I needed to let-go of the fear that drove me to the pushing and grinding for “more”, for “bigger”, “better”, “faster”. I started to recognize the “little me”, the “ego” behind my actions and fears and my feelings that- “I’m not enough, and I need to prove I am!”
Ayahuasca gave me a little “nudge”, a nudge that pushed me off the course I was on.
It was like I moved 2 degrees to the left or two degree to the right, not sure which one, but the “nudge” from my Ayahuasca experience was just enough to change my trajectory, my path, the direction I was going. Imagine a ship sailing on course in the ocean, then some jerk touches the wheel and turns it just 2 degrees. After a few days, the ship is perhaps thousands of miles from the course it was on and is now completely in another ocean. Of course, they would give that guy an old-fashioned skulling, but just think, the farther you go and the longer the time you are on this new course, the farther the distance is from where you would have ended up. The original shift is small and subtle, but as time goes on it has a massive impact that affects everything and every part your life. This “nudge” has actually saved my life, and my marriage, and I am eternally grateful:)
Over the last 6 months after leaving Rythmia, this nudge has slowly and skillfully been burning off old toxic behaviours and habits; it’s been like a slow death of my old ‘self’ and the slow realization and awareness that I am beyond the “self”, beyond the “poor little me”,the ego-self that was ruling and ruining my life.
I am becoming more aware and conscious of all things everyday; it’s like I am growing.
I now almost always identify and observe the “Ego” as soon as I feel my negative emotions arise. These emotions get switched-on from negative thoughts, and then gets transferred to poor behaviour and decisions. When I feel these thoughts coming on, I practice letting them go– I don’t attach or hang on to the negtaive feeling and just let it run its course until it dissolves into nothing. It’s like when letting these fearful, angry, jealous, etc., thoughts and emotions come in my front door, I just observe them and watch them pass by me, then watch them go out the back door. I don’t stop them and serve them tea anymore! Hanging on to those emotions is how you get in trouble and start spiralling down.
The more I do that, the more I weaken the ego and the more I release the negative emotions attached to these negative thoughts of past negative experiences. I now get over my negative emotions; I don’t hide them, I dont suppress them or sweep them under the carpet anymore – they are dealt with and dissolved. The more observant I become of “letting-go”, the more I become conscious and awake to my real-self and watch my inner happiness grow. Simply put; I am not my thoughts, I am not my feelings, I am not my emotions!
This letting-go process has changed how I see everything now, who I am becoming, and how I interact with the world around me. It has changed my emotion of “desire” into “acceptance”. I don’t want the same things I used to want before. I’m beginning to understand that “less is more” and letting go of all material desires is freeing.
Desire is a negative emotion; it actually means “attachment” in the sense that if you don’t get the thing you desire, you’ll be disappointed and let-down and, in some cases, you will bend your moral compass to get whatever it is you desire at that moment. In other words, you are emotionally negatively affected if you get the thing you desire, or you don’t get the thing you desire; either way it is attachment.
I once met someone who had totally let-go who explained to me that for every key on my key ring is a responsibility, a debt, a payment, an attachment. With this, comes the struggle of initially getting it, then keeping it, looking after it, and the fear of losing it. It doesn’t mean to not have a car or a home, it just means don’t let that become your identity, your symbol of your worth, or give it more meaning than what it is. Collecting “things” can be a huge burden.
At an early age we are taught the word “mine” which is argued to be critical mistake, because then we “attach” to it instead of “share” it; we take possession and make it a part of emotional identity and then begin to hold on to it with the fear of losing it. The worry, the anxiety of hanging-on is crippling to some people who have built a whole identity around their material possessions and status.
Let’s face it, we’re in a system designed to keep us in debt and distracted from day one until we die. Along the way in the game of Life, we’re bombarded with things to buy, that we don’t need, with money we don’t have. It’s a system that keeps you voluntarily feeding it as it feeds off you. We’re constantly being milked like cows because we’re believing what’s on TV and in the mainstream news, and social media.
When looking on social media, we feel bummed how good other people look and how much fun they are having. We’re an open target because we’re brainwashed on what to buy so we can feel better about ourselves and show others we’re cool and we “made it” and we “fit-in”. Our inherent negativity and lack of self-worth is constantly being preyed on, by others and by our very own ego. This is the same ego that tells us meditation is silly and you don’t have time for it, and it doesn’t do anything anyway, so why start.
We all want to get off this ride.
We’re now so absorbed and distracted by social media, call it “digital slavery”, that we can’t stop looking at our tiny screens long enough to notice that the real world exists around us because we’re too busy chasing dopamine hits from our social media accounts. Real relationships are just a face to face conversation away, but now we are avoiding them because we are fearful of rejection. According to studies, many young people now do not know how to socialize “in-person” as they cannot understand the language of facial expressions because their main communication has always been texting. It’s like a lost art, but sadly, its simply called “conversation and socialization”.
Nature is also telling us how disconnected we have become, she is our greatest teacher if only we would listen to her. She’s telling us something now, but we’re so consumed with technology, and idolizing celebrities and making stupid people famous that we are unable to connect and empathize with her to see what’s actually going on. The clock is ticking.
Meanwhile we’ve never been unhappier and more disconnected than ever. We’re on massive amounts of prescription drugs, so much so that all the water tested in North American rivers and lakes have traces of pharmaceuticals from what goes down the toilets.
Corporate unconsciousness and profitability has its nasty downside. Does the staggering amount of Round-up, pesticides, herbicides, artificial ingredients and GMO’s in our food have anything to do with ADHD, neurological disorders, food allergies, cancer, dis-ease and shorter life-spans?
Hey, I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer, but let’s not put our heads in the sand either; that’s called being “unconscious,” and that is our biggest epidemic right now- “unconsciousness” and “spiritual ignorance”. We have a spiritual deficit on this planet, and I’m not talking about divisive religions, I’m talking about “ conscious energy”, our connection to “source” and the “oneness” of everything and everybody.
I now personally don’t represent being one of the unconscious anymore, “I woke up”. Just like the millions that are waking up, energetically forming all the positive energies of light and influence on this planet to all life, to each other; sharing, loving, caring to all- no matter if you’re green, blue, sex oriented in any direction, male/female, square, round or so unique there is no name for you- you are no better than me and I am no better than you- I am inyou and you are in me. I am the fish, I am the tree, and so are you. We are all made of the very same ingredients; it’s all connected, we are “one”; We are all star-stuff. Carl Sagan
“Waking up” is to open our eyes and see what is going on in ourselves, and around us- the distractions, the stress, the craziness of life and the world, and reconnect with our souls and get our “living” back.
It’s about going past the noise of thoughts and seeing past the blinders, through the veils, so we can connect to our true inner selves and find the truth. It’s going Home. Home, like the womb of the universe, is where we came from; the cosmic energy before our first breath, and throughout our life and after our last breath.
We are “source“ the inhabitants of our bodies. When the body is done, our energy “soul” leaves and is re-birthed again and again. That is how the universe works, and science is proving it now. Scientists are now calling our universe “just one big thought”- wrap your head around that!
WE are not separate, WE are eternal. When we harm someone we harm ourselves, when we destroy mother nature, we destroy ourselves. We will always be the first victim of our anger and violence, and we will always be the reciever when we give.
We are all starving for real conversation- real intimacy- real love- real relationships- real beauty- real values- real connection, and with that comes love, respect, compassion, forgiveness, truth, honour, inspiration, and the list of higher vibrational states goes on. This frequency is the only thing that matters, it’s the only thing that will send us all into another direction of where we’re heading. Imagine a bunch of bankers who wake-up, and a bunch of greedy corporations who wake up? Imagine the changes we would see? But, they won’t do it themselves; they will when there is an “awakened society”stemming from the flow of source-energy that is stronger; the frequency of love that overshadows all.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power, will we know peace.“ Jimi Hendrix
My 12 Buddha-style cool moves to Wake-Up
· I did Ayahuasca at Rythmia to open my heart and find a new path
· I decided to take action to stop my suffering by letting-go
· I am Meditating twice a day, in the morning when I get up and before I go to bed. If I’m lucky I do a third meditation in the afternoon.
· I have completely restricted myself from TV and limited my social media time and the mundane
· I am reading books on consciousness, lots of them, and I am enjoying the space between the thoughts, as they grow:)
· I am now experiencing my life and the world through my own eyes and not through a screen
· I am trying my best to eat only high vibrational organic, non-GMO plant-based foods
· I am drinking, almost exclusively, room temperature spring water from a 15-litre glass jug (no toxic plastic, no waste)
· I am continuously practicing loving-kindness daily with myself, my family, and everyone I meet
· I am fully engaged in attention and connection when speaking to people
· I am sharing my love and strength with others at every opportunity
· I am constantly inquiring and resolving and letting-go the deep-rooted issues that are holding me back from who I really want to be and the happiness I truly deserve
“And you? When will you begin that long journey into yourself?” — Rumi
If you need a “nudge” to WAKE-UP, try Ayahuasca. I worked for me big-time!
Thanks for reading. Lot’s of hugs and love:)